Eleven Ways to Be a New Mother’s Favorite Grandparent
I wished for these things when I was a young mother; now as Grandma, I work at them
When that blessed moment of birth is around the corner, everybody focuses on mom-to-be, but grandmas-to-be have a big assignment coming up, too. I’m a gramma 15 times over — and I like to think I’m the fave, so let me tell you the secrets.
Your job is to adapt from the role of parent, which you’re used to, to the role of friend, mentor, babysitter, advisor, and playmate. It isn’t easy — but these tips might keep you out of trouble.
1. Remain friends with the mother-in-waiting, even after her wait. She’ll welcome your advice if you present it as completely optional. She won’t be as happy to have you micro-manage her pregnancy or her parenting.
2. Remember — growing a baby, delivering her, and learning how to raise her is hard work. Think up frequent perks for mom. If you live nearby, offer respite help so she can attend to her other tasks and make time for herself. If you live far away, send something special and personal for her.
3. Make gifting appropriate. If Mom and Dad say “no” to toy guns or drum sets, respect that. And try not to overwhelm the little one with the fulfillment of every wish. Allow the parents to provide special “firsts” if they want to — like Christmas ornaments, ride-on toys, or whatever.
4. Ask if you can help. The answer is sure to be yes unless Baby’s mom is Wonder Woman and Dad is Superman. But they’ll appreciate knowing you respect them enough to want their approval. Sometimes, it helps to volunteer for the delightful job of bathing the baby, but other times it’s a more welcome help to throw a load of wash in or do some of the ironing while Mom and Dad revel in the joy of playing with baby.
5. Encourage the new daddy to play, too. Dads are the most overlooked characters in this whole drama, so including them will certainly put you in good with the man. Clip articles about new dads. In between all the labor and delivery reminiscences, tell stories about Grandpa as a father. Bring a daddy gift to the baby shower.
6. Never drop in unannounced. Remember back to your days when life was chaotic with a baby in the house? Allow the parents their dignity! Phone ahead. Just because Grandma and Grandpa have a house key for emergencies doesn’t mean you have the right to use it whenever you feel like it.
7. Make Granddad a VIP. Let him tell his stories, too. Sit tight if he picks the baby up — he won’t drop him, and he doesn’t need a refresher course. It’s tempting to rush in and do it better, but think back. Granddad was right there with Grandma all those years ago.
8. Don’t say one single word about dishes in the sink. Or dust bunnies. Or toothpaste on the bathroom mirror. And don’t clean it up unless asked to help. Pretend it isn’t even there. Some people consider it a not-so-subtle slap in the face to have something cleaned when they haven’t asked, and new moms can be emotional, so why rock the boat?
9. If this baby isn’t a first child, don’t forget the sibs. If you bring a baby gift, bring a token (crayons, a book, chalk) for the brother or sis. If you ooh and ahh over baby, give the other child a hug or a few minutes of your time. Chat with him or her about the baby. The older child can either learn to love — or resent — the newborn, and you are lucky enough to be able to impact that interaction for the best outcome.
10. Reach out to the other grandmas and grandpas. Sometimes, a competition is born when the baby is born, and families waste time and energy one-upping the spouse’s mom/dad/parents. Run like a bunny if anything even starts to look as if a your parents/my parents thing is building. Nobody wins that game, least of all the children. Share pictures, share the baby-holding time, be warm and generous. The payback is worth a lot.
11. Make a grandma book (like a baby book…). This will be a prized possession. Get a preformatted one or create your own, but fill it with short blurbs about your life with your children, favorite movies, art, music, milestone dates. Put in tons of pictures. What a prize for the children as they grow up. All kids are tickled to know what Mommy and Daddy did when THEY were kids.
You’ll be a treasure in the lives of your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren if you take one baby step back and gracefully respect their space. Once they feel comfortable and secure about their own skills, they’ll value your role as mentor and friend all the more.
BTW, in my family, my title is Yiayia—Greek for granny. I wear it proudly.
If you enjoyed this story and want to support my work and also contribute to my support other writers fund, drop a few coins in the pig?
This is all fantastic advice, and following it can lay a strong foundation for healthy, happy familly dynamics in the years to come.
It's the best thing to be a grandma (or YiaYia or Mimi), but there are a few boundaries, that's for sure. Excellent list!