How I Open My Mind When Someone Is Being an Ass
Live smarter, move past disagreements, and take the higher road (most of the time)
Yesterday, I heard a news report that said hanging out with people that cause you stress can shorten life by nine months. Thinking it over, though, I concluded that most of the time, I cause my own stress, and I might be the someone who is being an ass.
Disagreements are a normal interaction between living beings, including all humans. All people find themselves in conflict with others sometimes, even the best of friends, most amorous lovers, closest families, and the most cordial of business associates. Science knows that the most definitive test of something being alive is irritability. But conflict needn’t be devastating; good outcomes depend upon everyone feeling as if they have been heard. This is particularly important when you’re trying to focus on a dream, a goal, or a business.
Conflict is usually defined as a disagreement in which at least one party perceives a threat to his or her well-being, their needs, or their interests. When conflict arises, if we feel threatened, it’s tough to remain peaceful and open to new ideas. And contrary to my title, the person you’re in conflict with isn’t necessarily an ass; however, it’s easier to frame it that way sometimes.
With a little practice, you can teach yourself to set aside the fight-or-flight instinct and enjoy the opportunity to embrace positive change.
These tips, though not easy, often work for me to keep an open mind when trying to resolve sensitive issues. Full disclosure: it takes total discipline to remain centered, and I can’t always do it. Ask my kids. Ask my husband. Oh hell, ask anyone who has known me for more than a month.
When conflict arises, I can (often) keep my cool
When conflict arises, I try to get control of my feelings before I engage in discussion. I know I can’t hear anyone—or even sort out what I really think—if my ears are flaming red and steam is coming out from under my collar.
I take a moment to gather my thoughts. A few Yoga breaths or some slow belly breathing help me calm down and center the feelings I have around the issue.
I remind myself to choose my battles carefully. I don’t need to argue about everything that’s ever happened between me and the other person; that only clouds the present moment. Instead, I try to decide what truly matters to me and make it a point to understand how the other person sees things.
I practice reflective listening. When the other person speaks, I stay quiet, clear out impulsive replies, and really take in what’s being said without judging. Then I repeat it in my own words, starting with, “I think you said…” and finishing with, “Did I hear that correctly?” I have, over many years, gotten pretty proficient with this one.
I count two beats before responding. That brief pause gives me time to absorb what I’ve heard and helps me avoid those automatic, defensive reactions that can shut down real conversation.
I do my best to stay centered on facts and authentic feelings, filtering out any comments meant to provoke me. I focus on what actually matters.
I push myself to reach for the other person’s perspective. For a moment, I consciously block my own inner dialogue and look forward to hearing a fresh angle or new understanding.
I remind myself that all ideas have merit. I don’t have to agree with everything, but if I don’t truly listen, I miss opportunities to grow and learn. Whether I’m talking with a partner or navigating a staff discussion, I make space for everyone to express what’s on their minds. Everyone deserves to be heard.
I let go of the notion that my point of view is the only right one. When I stay open to other ways of thinking, I often discover insights that surprise and excite me. Read this one again—it’s critical.
I welcome diversity and remind myself not to fear conflict. Some of the most meaningful progress in my own life—and in the world—has come from moments of disagreement and honest engagement.
Are you a bad person if you disagree?
For normal, healthy people, fighting isn’t fun and isn’t necessary. Disagreeing and arguing are completely normal. We engage in conflict so that we can establish boundaries, rules, and customs.
If you welcome an exchange of ideas without feeling threatened and respect the diversity that makes us all valuable contributors, your open-minded attitude may help you learn new things and sometimes bring others around to your way of thinking. I’m not a bad person, you’re not a bad person, and neither is the ass you’re conflicting with. It’s pretty simple; we’re just human, and getting riled is normal as long as we aren’t going for all-out war.
I know you’re not an ass, or you wouldn’t be reading my stuff. If you’d like to help keep the lights on, hop over to my tip jar and accept my thanks.