n 18-Year-Old Is an Adult, but They Are Still Your Child
Parents have to have the wisdom of saints to help their young adults “become”
From the archives of Maryan Pelland, Woman with a Pen
For the past year, as my grandchild navigated through the senior year of high school, I watched the family struggle for balance between the roles they have filled for almost two decades and the new roles they know they have to design for themselves and each other.
This is not a simple or easy rite of passage, as anyone who has ever been 18 knows. If your 18 is the kind of kid who has it all together, knows exactly what path they are going to walk, and has the self-assurance of a toast-master, then this story is not for you.
If you are a typical parent and your child is a typical 18, read on, and I hope I can help you keep walking.
Senior year and a forced option
My grandchild had no clue about what they wanted to do after graduation. I mean, in Senior September, June is so far away that it’s unreal, and life is defined by the next party, sporting event, class, or exam. The idea of life — what I will be doing in 10 years — is a Dali painting for a lot of seniors, and my kid was no exception.
The child was bright, intuitive, creative, self-aware, motivated, and adjusted. But not tuned in to college — feeling up-to-here about school and homework, having achieved excellent grades, but never feeling satisfied by the process. Being controlled and directed. Same old, same old.
Trade schools aren’t sexy, and few seniors feel excited by saying, “Hey, I’m gonna be a plumber,” while their friends are talking marine biology.
Military service was an option, but the kid’s sense of self, confidence, and outside-the-box ideals and opinions didn’t seem like a good fit. This kid was strongly political and spent a lot of time studying history and world affairs way beyond the school curriculum, but with teacher guidance. This was the kid’s passion.
So the kid focused on being a senior. There were many conversations with sig others about what to do next, but the tone was often managerial rather than encouraging.
As the year unfolded, the pressure ramped up from guidance counselors, parents, friends, and the media. Hey, what are you going to do after graduation?
Now this particular child-adult, my grandkid, comes from a military family. The tradition began in the American Civil War, and family members have served in every conflict since. Hoorah. By choice.
Both parents of the senior in question were military. As the calendar turned to a new year, the pressure ramped up. The kid still had no vision of the future. Well-meaning advice came from all directions in concerned tones, trying to ensure the kid’s success and security the way others saw it. And it came to pass that the kid caved.
One afternoon, his dad said, “The day after graduation, your room gets cleared out, and you are an adult.” Dad was worried. The kid didn’t have a concrete plan.
Dad said, “It’s a tough world. Without college, you will live in a cardboard box. There is no way to succeed without a degree, and your life will suck and be boring. Go see a recruiter and sign yourself up.”
Dad wasn’t being a mean old asshat; he figured tough love would put the kid in the right direction, solve the problems, and provide an easy solution. He loves the kid.
And the kid loves and admires Dad. Dad must be right — he and Mom did okay in the military. Okay, I guess I have no options. The kid signed up. Got enthusiastic. Followed the plan, though it wasn’t the kid’s plan. And in June, it was off to bootcamp. It lasted three weeks. The kid was home by the end of July, feeling like a failure. A screwup. Hopeless.
Here’s the problem
As a parent of six, grandmother of 15, and oldest of six siblings, I’ve been in the thick of a lot of parent-child dilemmas and have learned at least one thing in bold-face type. The transition between the child and adult worlds is inevitable and cannot be micro-managed or legislated if it is to be successful.
It takes courage, patience, wisdom, and a desire to allow a child to become an adult.
When a human completes childhood, they feel all-knowing and autonomous on the outside, but inside, they are ultra-susceptible to pressure. They’re scared. And so are the parents. Therefore, as parents, we have to weigh every bit of advice we give our kids against this question: Am I doing this to enable my child to grow and make their own valid choices?
If the parent focuses on any other motivation, it results in long-term issues that will kick butt either now or in the future.
At age 40, you don’t want your kid to say, “You stood in my way when I could have taken the path I really wanted.”
Make no mistake, the only person who has the right to determine a new adult’s life-path is that child-adult. The process has to be accomplished in small steps built on knowledge, information, common sense, support, and unconditional love.
Sure, that’s all good, but terribly abstract, so here are my tips to avoid screwing up a kid’s opportunity to live an authentic life. You can’t ensure success. You can’t prohibit failure. If they choose wrongly, young adulthood is the time they are most likely to have the flexibility to regroup and begin again.
Tips that work if you let them work
Put aside your fear and angst.
Empower your child to express their ideas about their future, and listen actively and respectfully before you interject, criticize, or judge. Their thoughts don’t have to align with yours.
Be mindful of how you were when you planned your post-high school life. Remember how other people’s input affected you — what helped and what did not.
Encourage self-esteem and self-actualization. Allow your child to think outside the box, even if you think they are dead wrong.
Avoid living vicariously through your child. It’s okay for them to think about being a file clerk, even if you envision them as a brain surgeon.
Have frequent, non-contentious conversations about options and help the child explore as many as they possibly can, even if the options don’t seem acceptable or viable to you.
Reassure the child that nothing is permanent, everything changes, and experimentation is not necessarily a bad thing.
Listen more than you talk, or at least as much as. This kid will have to be content and satisfied with whatever paths they choose — you already had your opportunities.
Compliment their thought-processes, motivation, and reasoning, even if theirs differ from yours.
Make sure your child feels heard, understood, unjudged, and confident.
Here’s the most empowering message you can give your child: When we are very young adults, we don’t have mortgages, families, bills, or the pressures that come when we’re more established. If there is any time in life when we can be less cautious and try to follow our dreams, this is it. We all have the privilege of retuning to try again if we make an unsatisfying choice.
So many families are torn apart when parents cannot find it in their hearts to let go and allow a child to become. The consequences can be long-lasting and very sad.
Congratulations! You’ve done your best to give your child a strong foundation. Now buckle up and gracefully allow them to build on it.
I'm seeing this with my children and grands. But my students are also experiencing this. They need to find their own way but also have some non-judgmental adults they can come to for advice. Hard age.
I'm very curious to see how this particular child ended up? They did not want to go to college and also dropped out of the military? What are their next steps?