Turning Aggravation with Others into Loving Kindness Toward Myself
A simple idea that begins with me and extends to everyone in the universe
may I be well — may I be happy — may I be satisfied with my life
In the darkest depths of the Covid pandemic, when I was right on the verge of lining up all stupid people and slapping them mercilessly, it occurred to me that I might want to think more positively. (Ya think?)
Out of nowhere, without warning, down swooped a Buddhist nun who told me to cut the crap and look through a better lens. It didn’t happen overnight—my transformation was long and annoyingly frustrating, but here’s what I finally came to terms with.
Most often, when I am intolerant or judgmental of others, it’s because I am not pleased with something going on in my head. I may be angry that I lost my patience with a family member. Perhaps I wasn’t quite honest with myself about something I needed or about how I felt about something.
Because I’m a flawed human, I stuff these negative feelings deep down and then manifest them in my interactions with the rest of the world. That doesn’t move me forward and doesn’t make me feel satisfied with my progress.
But the nun showed me a secret that I took to right off. It helps me regroup and rethink. She taught me to be kind to all sentient beings—but to put myself at the very top of that list.
Let me share how I do that.
The classic loving kindness meditation and mantra
Loving kindness meditation (sometimes called metta meditation) is a great way to cultivate our desire and ability to be, well, nice. It involves mentally sending goodwill, kindness, and warmth towards others in the entire universe. Sounds daunting, but it’s actually simple.
The idea is to act like a gentle friend to yourself, no matter what kind of energy is coursing through you or what sort of experience you are having in the present.
In a nutshell, loving kindness describes an unconditional and open love fueled by your personal and intentional wish for yourself and all others to be well.
When I’m out of sorts, I try to quiet myself for a few moments. I set a timer for as little as five minutes and take a few slow, deep breaths (yes, the mindfulness stuff always starts out with breathing). And then I talk to myself, making sure no one can hear me and jump to conclusions about my cognitive health.
The bones of my loving kindness meditation
Eyes closed, I focus on myself as the only sentient being there is. I envision my whole body, relaxing muscles as I mentally go from head to toe. Like a virtual PET scan, maybe.
I say out loud, “May I be well. May I be peaceful. May I be happy with my life.”
After all, with those three ideas in place, how can I be ornery? I might add a few more, like, “May I be healthy. May I be satisfied. May I appreciate my life.”
I think for a moment about what those mantras mean. Then I expand my scope, visualizing my whole family, thinking exclusively of them—maybe picturing each face.
While I have that image, I say, “May they be well. May they be peaceful. May they be happy with their lives.”
And I expand, visualizing a panorama of my neighborhood and beginning to include my neighbors, known and unknown, in my manifestation of good feelings. I concentrate on experiencing a sincere and authentic wish for them.
From there, I expand my vision to my town, then my state, my country, other countries, the world, and the universe. It may sound a little unrealistic, but when I keep my focus and feel the pleasure of loving kindness, it seems real and worthwhile. Try it.
The whole thing can be performed in five minutes. Or you can get into it and sit for a longer time, manifesting a strong desire for happiness to all sentient beings everywhere, no matter how big or small. It feels wonderful. You can do it as often as you like.
Mumbo jumbo, New Age fad, or real science?
The benefit of surrounding yourself with peaceful, positive energy is 100% backed by science. Yes, there’s a lovely spiritual component. Sure, you might feel a little odd at first. But the science can’t be denied. And the bottom line may be that you’ll live longer.
I read a surprising piece in Psychology Today that offers insight into the science.
For one thing, it said practicing loving kindness replaces negative emotions with positive emotions.
In a landmark study, Barbara Frederickson and her colleagues found that practicing seven weeks of loving-kindness meditation increased love, joy, contentment, gratitude, pride, hope, interest, amusement, and awe. These positive emotions then produced increases in a wide range of personal resources (e.g., increased mindfulness, purpose in life, social support, decreased illness symptoms), which, in turn, predicted increased life satisfaction and reduced depressive symptoms.
There’s even some evidence that such a practice can help with issues like PTSD, chronic pain, migraines, various illnesses, and even schizophrenia disorders. No, it’s not a cure, but it may make a positive difference.
If that doesn’t inspire you, think about slowing down aging. Lots of people endure Botox needle injections, but what if you could age more gracefully by virtue of your own mind control?
Loving kindness-type thinking has been shown to noticeably slow the age-related decrease in length of human telomeres. Huh?
Telomeres are slivers of chromosomes that seem to correlate with the effects of aging. Scientists have noted that women who practice a habit of loving kindness meditations have longer telomeres.
Tons of benefits and a little extra beauty in life
Loving kindness meditation can be done silently, of course. You can manifest those intentions in an abstract way without using words at all. But the mantras and verses I’ve come across are soothing and lovely. Here are a couple of examples.
May all beings, near and far, be happy and contented. May all beings, near and far, be healthy and whole to whatever degree possible. May all beings, near and far, experience ease of well-being. May all beings, near and far, be safe, protected, and free from inner and outer harm.
Remember to focus on yourself first. If you are not well, if you don’t practice self-care, you can’t care for others.
May I be at ease in my body, feeling the ground beneath my seat and feet. May I be attentive and gentle toward my own discomfort and suffering. May I be attentive and grateful for my own joy and well-being. May I move towards others freely and with openness. May I receive others with sympathy and understanding.
And I always end with this thought: “May everything I do, think, and say today be done not only for my benefit but also for the benefit of all sentient beings everywhere.”
None of us is perfect, and we won’t always succeed in performing only good acts. But acting as if we can and want to do so could go a long way toward making life more satisfying. May you be well.
Thank you for sharing your lesson from the Buddhists. I think it is one version of Buddhism that is worth hearing about. The Buddhist are in the news today you know because they decided, a bunch of them anyway, to walk from Texas to Washington DC for Peace! Once you get over the idea of Buddhist living in Texas, they are a wonderful crowd, although none of them are nuns.
But I want to remind you something else about Buddhists. My lasting thought about this group of people is that some of them practiced self immolation during the American war in Vietnam. That got our attention. Pouring a flammable liquid on yourself and lighting a match as a protest about the inequity that you see and face in the world is a little bit different than what you are suggesting. So you should remember that some people who are Buddhist have a different approach to the world. Some meditate, some walk long distances, and self immolation appeals to some as the only way to bring about a better world.
Om!