Don’t Should All Over Yourself — or Anyone Else

Another one of those words we don’t need

Should is one of the least motivating things you can say to yourself or to anyone else. It’s a word we can do without, implying you must always meet all expectations–either by others, societal norms, or yourself. That kind of feeling isn’t motivating, it’s overwhelming. I get to decide things for myself. If I have to satisfy everyone all of the time, I’ll give up right now and hide in my room.

Long ago, my favorite boss heard me telling a co-worker, “You should work efficiently and be better organized.”

My boss held up a hand like a stop sign and said, “Please don’t should all over yourself or anyone else.” He got my attention, we all laughed, and I learned a lesson.

What’s so freakin’ wrong with saying “should,” anyway?

It’s an admonishment, an injunction, an order, a judgment. As soon as the word leaves my lips, the recipient bristles, digs in their heels, and maybe wants to slap me upside the head for being arrogant. Who am I to tell anyone what would make them better? Is my way the only way?

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m always right.

Sometimes, I want someone to do something, and I have a particular process in mind. How can I communicate that effectively without being a pompous ass? I can choose to be respectful.

I can admonish, “You should do that project over, and this time, do it the way it should be done.” Or

Maybe I say it this way, “I admire creative thinking. Please try again, though. I can show you what could be changed.”

The second statement boosts my helper’s self-esteem and confidence. We both feel satisfied. Using a respectful approach might take an extra nano-second, but the result is positive and worthwhile.

“You alone are enough, you have nothing to prove to anybody.” — Dr. Maya Angelou

Sometimes, I’m shoulding all over myself rather than someone else. What’s the big deal? Should implies one particular, correct way to do something, and implies that I’m wrong if I choose any other way. Should can also indicate that I can’t make good decisions. I can tell myself, “If I have any decency, I should get up earlier.”

Then, if I don’t follow through, I feel inadequate. I feel guilty. I may even increase my level of stress and set myself up for failure next time, too.

We simply shouldn’t use the word. (Yes, you see what I did there.) There are unlimited ways to avoid it. Relationship experts advise couples to swap could for should as a matter of habit. If I choose could over should, the pressure is off. Clearly, I have a choice. I can get up earlier, go to bed later, or decide not to change my routine at all. In any case, I’m not a failure or a disappointment.

“You should respect each other and refrain from disputes; you should not, like water and oil, repel each other, but should, like milk and water, mingle together.” — Buddha

Ok, maybe Buddha can get away with it. But if I nag at my grandchildren that they shouldn’t eat so many sweets, I set up an immediate urge in them to push back. I might choose to say, “Hey, I’ve got some delicious applesauce; let’s have some together.” That approach sets up a positive interaction, provides togetherness, and avoids scolding or lecturing. It’s more likely to succeed and can be applied in all kinds of situations.

Sometimes, framing my statement as a suggestion or an option is the perfect solution. If I tell my friend she looks ghastly in green and should never wear it, she won’t be impressed by my tact. But I could say, “I’d love to see a blue dress set off your eyes. Would you consider looking at a few?” Now I’ve got a happy buddy, and she might end up with a new look.

Using the word should isn’t criminal — it’s ugly. It plays into the present irritability and unrest in our society. So many people run around telling everybody how to act, how to vote, how to live, and how to think that arguing and bickering break out everywhere. Shifting our presentation a tiny bit by choosing a less negative word when we speak may begin to gently diffuse some animosity. If that’s true, why wouldn’t we? We could, you know.

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